Black Stay-At-Home Moms, Welfare, Public Perception & The Media

Me with my son in 2010.

I wasn't going to write about this for two reasons: 1. I 'd be too emotional about it since it is my life--as you'll see in one of the articles I will link to below--I can't look back too fondly on my entry into this life. It was a disheartening experience that I went through with the support of my sister and one of my best friends. It took the wind out of my sails and dashed the dream I had about what being a stay-at-home mom would be like. As a result, most of my stay-at-home-mom friends don't live in my neighborhood--and that's okay. And 2. Other writers, like the ones I will link to below are way more informed and well-versed on the topics, have done a great job of making lots of points that I agree with, and are probably way smarter than me. 

What I will say though, is that I have seen some other sites pick these articles up and some of the comments there and on Facebook make it very clear that some people see the title of the pieces, get angry at seeing the word " black", and don't read it before sharing their opinions. One person asked, how are black-stay-at home moms any different from other stay-at-home mom. The answer is that our existence isn't accepted as easily as that of white stay-at-home moms and we constantly have to justify our existence and explain our choices. Historically, black mothers have moved from working side-by-side with their men in the fields, to working alone taking care of the homes and families of white women, to gaining access to education and working in other careers. Historically, black mothers work. This stay-at-home mom business is seen as a "white woman thing". In Lashaun Williams' post on The L Factor, she explains,

"The female experience has differed for white women in this country, as they have historically been expected to simply look pretty, stay home and have babies. While they felt trapped in a sea of domestication, black mothers longed to devote more time to their own children."  

One comment I saw online said that a black stay-at-home mom is called a welfare mom. It is so sad how in political, and lets face it, plain terms "stay-at-home mom" connotes white, married moms who live in the suburbs and "welfare moms", black, single moms living in the hood. I can't even start on the unfair stereotypes assigned to black single moms vs white single moms, but rest assured I'm annoyed by that too. 

I blame the media. Yep, I said it. Why else would the prevailing opinions about welfare recipients be so completely unaffected by the actual facts?

• Public Perceptions: Most welfare moms are black. Mostly black people benefit from welfare and food stamps. 
• Fact: Nine(9) percent of food stamp recipients are black — and 84 percent are white. 
• Fact: Nationally, 39 percent of welfare recipients are white, 37 percent are black.

Of the above statistics (I borrowed those from this awesome article about a recent, Republican presidential hopeful going on camera saying he doesn't want taxpayer dollars to make black people's lives better), I don't know what percentage of blacks  are female, and how many of those have children, but it's definitely not the majority. From that, how in the hell do we get folks (you know which ones) getting all up in arms about how their hard-earned tax dollars are going to help black people? And Lord help us, how do we get black people believing the same thing about ourselves? Answer--the media.

I know "The Media" is broad-stroking it, but mass news outlets need to be more responsible about the stories and images they use to inform the public about us. The film, television and music industries have a hand in it too, but they want to make money. So they only serve to reinforce what people think they already know about us, based on the constant flow of images and messages coming from media outlets. Ask yourself when was the last time you saw a widely successful film depicting black people in a "normal", positive light, free of hyper-sexual and hood-life stereotypes or pre-civil rights nostalgia? Nobody wants to see those films because they're not realistic. I talk about that in my review of the film, Red Tails. And if a black TV show is missing a broken home, a buffoon, hair weaves and label-hungry clothes horses in stilettos, good luck getting a second season. Gone are the days of a show like "The Cosby Show" ever seeing Primetime Tevelision again. I'm not saying every black show has to be wholesome, but where's the balance? For every Shore of New Jersey Housewife whatever show, there's a whole network of wholesome white family shows. Where is the balance? 

Giiiiiiirl, if they don't stop it with this mess...

I digress.

Obviously lots of people, black, white and other, would rather we stop justifying our existence and bringing up our differences (i.e. "black" stay-at-home-moms, "black" child prodigy, "black" entrepreneur, etc.) but if we stop bringing it up, ignorance will prevail. Even if one person is surprised to learn that I, a black woman with a college degree who actually chose to quit working and make my child's early years my priority with the support of guess who--my husband, then that's one less ignorant person who can at least say they know one. UGH! 

This is all very frustrating. 

What has to happen for us to get it right in this country? Geez!

For some good reading related to the topics mentioned here, I recommend:

1. Black Women Overlooked In Stay-At-Home Moms Debate (Where my intro into the world of being a black stay-at-home mom living in a white, TX suburb is mentioned.)
2. Room For Debate: How black and white is feminism. Is Feminism for Black Mothers, Too?
3. The ‘Welfare Queen’ Experiment: How Viewers React to Images of African-American Mothers on Welfare
4. Tyler Perry's For Better or Worse: A Review
5. Just Felt This Flick: Red Tails

 Love and light, y'all. Love and friggin light. lol

 

Comments

[Bridget]

I agree 100% with this article! I have seen my share of negativity. But as important as it is we have to remember that profiling is not going anywhere. Ignorance is NOT going anywhere. I to am a Black stay home mom by decision who is also about to start my own business. The lifestyle that my husband and I live is what it is ours. We decided that we wanted a parent home with our children preferably me LOL! And whatever career I have or business I start will be taylored around that. Excuse me if that doesn't sound black unless I am on some type of goverment assistance. I will not apologize for being human. Media has placed the tag that that is more of a white thing but its a human thing, regardless of color. Anybody should be able to do what they feel is best for their family without some type of backlash or stupid comments. BUT, hey we are human dealing with humans. Ignorance is inevitable.

Maybe we should make an Ipad or Android app that spits truth and statistics. And call it Angry Stats. LOL!

[Quel]

Bridget, thanks for commenting. I saw your other comment about being asked how many kids you have. lol That's crazy. The saddest part about that is I bet if you said some huge number, they'd assume you were receiving some kind of aid. smh It is what it is--you're right.

[LaTisha]

You NAILED it, Kel! I knew when I met you at last year's Mocha Conference that you were great - this just reinforced what I already knew!

Did I mention that you NAILED THIS?

[Brandee]

Love your post!!!
I remember watching an episode of Oprah and she interviewed the Little Rock Nine. I remember the raw emotion one of the gentlemen had when talking his experience some 40 years ago. I told my husband somewhere there is this man's equal but opposite. Even though it's 2012 and the Obama's are in the White House, we are not that far removed from the Civil Rights era and Separate but Equal. That message of hate, superiority, elitism, and classism still exists. The people yelling out racial epithets in the documentaries our generation watches have kids, and grandkids - who are now stay at home moms! Racial prejudices are kept "within the circle" and very rarely do we overhear phone conversations or have someone turncoat and "tell" what's been said when we aren't around (hint at my story)

I was watching Anderson Cooper a couple of weeks ago interview 8th graders and asked them would their parents be upset if they dated outside their race...The white kid reluctantly said yes. His parents said, well Blacks and white have cultural differences that would make it hard for the families to get along. Really? I do think the media DOES perpetuate stereotypes but I also think that we are still in the process of "overcoming"

[Carolyn]

Love your post. This need to be posted again where ever it can be read. I felt that emotion too.

[Quel]

Thanks ladies! I know I'm not alone. I commented on my personal FB page and I have to share it here. One of my friends mentioned how she was made to feel like she didn't belong her while 12 years at home in a white area. I live in a dry white suburb too--moved here for the good public schools and ironically have no plans to use them. We chose private schools because out here, they are more racially diverse. But that's a whole other blog post. lol This is what I said to her:

Living in a very white area, I have developed a thick skin. I have to be a part of the at-home mom culture/activities here, but it's hard to continue to show up at events or story times and keep a smile on my face when I'm invisible.  Usually when I walk into an event, I scan to attempt eye contact just to say hi. It's the polite thing to do. Plus I LOVE small talk with strangers. lol I hate small talk with strangers who think they already know something about me though. I shut down good in those cases. But anyway, when I sit near someone, and it hurts them to say hi back to me that sucks.. And I'm sorry, but I'm not about to break my neck to engage you when you look right through me. Sometimes, one person will engage me and others will join in, but I have even had moms totally ignore Zack, even. It hurts when someone ignores your kid. There are only so many times one can walk into situations like that, open and smiling and not having one person even meet your gaze or acknowledge that a 6'1" very large (and beautiful--just sayin) very black woman just walked in. And when your 3yo comes home and tells you that one of his friends told him he wasn't invited to his birthday party because "my mom says you can't come--Name and Name and Name can come, but she said not Zack" How can you not put a wall up after that? And that kid's mom had never spoken to me. The one time I spoke to her she barely smiled, blinked back a million times and kept it moving. Imma keep being polite and speaking to people, because my child is watching me and learning. But their kids are watching them and learning too. Smh 

[badhrykplp]

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[High School Diploma]

Your generosity in sharing this information means so much. Thanks a million.