The day I posted about my miscarriage was the same day my son would be born a year later. How 'bout that?!
I'm reposting this as part of the SITS Girls "Back to Blogging" event...
So basically, miscarriages suck. (Originally posted on February 19, 2007)
I know y'all didn't even know I had been pregnant, but I was. We found out I had miscarried during my second sonogram. The fetus never developed. The following day I had it surgically removed via a D and C (a.k.a. DNC) or Democratic National Convention as Billy announced when he Googled it to see what D.N.C. stood for.
Yes, I cried...gut, snot, ugly cried about every 15 minutes the first 36 hours after we found out, and yes, I felt extremely bipolar because I tried to stay positive and just as I got to a point of feeling good and even smiling, the smile cracked back into gut, snot, ugly crying. After two days of trying to control the tears, on the third day I gave in to the pain and stayed in bed and cried all morning and most of the afternoon. After that I was a little better. I still cry sometimes. For the past few months I've been trying to focus on the positive things in my life (I have SO much to be grateful for) and that positive thinking has to continue even in the hideous face of a miscarriage.
If you know me in real life, you know if anybody can find the bright side of having a miscarriage, that anybody is me. I've been doing everything I can to keep from throwing myself into depression over this. So far so good.
Don't get it twisted. This is hard. Y'all don't know how many times over the years we thought I was pregnant and took pregnancy tests weekly until what I thought were pregnancy symptoms just turned out to be pre-menstrual...and those symptoms were only sometimes followed by a real period, keeping us hopeful that the next test would be positive. Eventually we found out I had some reproductive issues. Then finally, all of a sudden I was pregnant. And then all of a sudden I wasn't.
Still, in the spirit of showing gratitude to God for all my life experiences (fortunately the good outweigh the bad) and the lessons they teach...of my unwavering gaze on the bright side...and of my typical Virgo need to make lists, I give you...
My 10 Things I'm Grateful For In Light Of My Miscarriage List:
- My genetically flawed baby was rejected rather than born to me, so I have another chance at having a healthy baby.
- We know now that we can conceive without drugs. The pregnancy was a total surprise. I've never taken birth control because I don't believe in chemically interfering with my reproductive business and was not at all amused by the irony that after passing on drugs to prevent pregnancy, I'd end up having to take drugs to get pregnant. Now, I know I don't have to and that's awesome.
- Now, since we know it's possible, we'll start actively trying to get pregnant again asap.
- Now, I know for sure that I'm ready to be a mom. I've never been more sure.
- We get another shot at having twins! Long story short, the odds of me having twins are overwhelmingly high.
- I can move forward with my home painting, planting and art projects without concern for fumes or overexertion.
- I can lose these last 40 pounds to get my college figure back!
- We can continue with the financial adjustments we made when we found out I was pregnant, which is going to significantly beef up our nest egg. We're saving my salary and living off of Billy's income to get a feel for what it'll be like once I'm a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) or Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker according to Heather B. Armstrong).
- I have another chance to go to Europe before I'm 30 and before kids. We'd been talking about going this year (our anniversary in the spring or this summer) and now it's totally doable...and somewhat necessary. And last, but certainly not least...
- COFFEE! Real live caffeinated coffee! I brewed a full pot the day I found out we weren't going to have a baby and drank every drop. It's hard to be down for too long when caffeine's back in your life.
Bonus Thing: Mango Margaritas.
F.Y.Izzy, never made it to Europe.
Here's a picture of my baby 5 months after he changed my life forever: